No. 3

Tonight has been a night of humiliation, in a lot of ways. This is never difficult; usually, I will strive to appear a certain way (well-rounded, gifted, charismatic, humble, generous, or “free”), but someone will either (a) find me out, or (b) talk to me in such a way, or in such a circumstance, that no room is allowed for my pride. I am placed in a position of humility, of lowliness, either in someone else’s opinion of me or in my own acceptance of some wrong I committed.

Being in that place of lowliness is not comfortable for the person who feels the need to be impressive (in other words, me). Because of my incessant pride, certain relationships are confusing; they leave me scrambling for a sense of my own shoddy creation of self-identity because these people have “found me out.” They see through my charades, through the false humility, and through the phoniness. What am I supposed to do, then, to actually become a person of character instead of only appearing that way?

People who value honesty over impressiveness will see very quickly when you are not revealing your true self, and I have come to realize it is these people who I avoid or have strained relationships with. When a person “sees right through me,” they, merely by their presence, reiterate the negatives about me. And since I am so focused on moving away from these negatives, however wrongly I may go about it, I will instantly build a wall up against them and begin to focus on the negatives which they display. And, usually, pride will creep from his hiding place and whisper in my ears that “oh, well they must be envious of you.” How clever it is to shift the focus from myself and onto others, and how quickly it happens!

So, to answer my own question, I think that true humility is found when you think on Jesus, and when you strive to serve his people before you serve yourself. Like Mother Theresa said, “you must learn to accept your humiliations.” You know you have learned this when you cease justifying, cease making excuses, and when you begin to gracefully and humbly accept the things that do not build your kingdom, but that remind you that you are, in reality, nothing when compared to Him.